In a 1995 booklet published by the Church,
Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders, we are told that
emotional abuse of a spouse includes the following broad categories of problem
behavior:
Name Calling. Words such as idiot or jerk,
sarcastic or exaggerated use of terms of endearment, unflattering nicknames, and
insulting labels constitute name-calling. President Howard W. Hunter counseled
that a husband "should always speak to his wife lovingly and kindly, treating
her with the utmost respect,"" for ""marriage is like a tender flower …… and
must be nourished constantly with expressions of love and affection"" (Ensign,
Nov. 1994, 51). Wives, too, must do the same to their husbands. Sarcastic
comments, the staple of TV sitcoms, are also considered to be verbally abusive
and have no place in Latter-day Saint marriages.
•• Trivialization. To intentionally overlook the
substantial effort put into a project, whether it's preparing a dinner for
company or repairing the family car, is a way of trivializing the time, effort,
and talent needed to accomplish what could very well be a necessary and selfless
act of service. Demeaning a spouse in this way can be done even in an apparently
thoughtful tone of voice. For example, after a husband had spent considerable
time doing tax returns, his wife commented, "Taxes are really not as complicated
as most people make them out to be. I'm surprised it took you so long."
•• Put-down humor. A partner with a quick wit can
come up with many ways to embarrass and humiliate his or her spouse, who may
then be accused, in an effort to deflect responsibility for any insult taken, of
not having a sense of humor. ""Jack's on a diet,"" said his wife. ""His third
this week.""
•• Faultfinding. Criticism chips away at a
person's sense of worth. It is not done out of a genuine regard to help someone
be a better person, as some claim. "You know, honey, if you'd learn to chop the
vegetables a little finer, you could probably make a decent salad."
Intimidation. A partner may use threats to
intimidate the spouse in order to get his or her own way: "The day you hang that
painting in the bedroom is the day I move out of it!" Venting anger in harsh
words, shouting, stomping around the house, and throwing or breaking things are
abusive. Less-noisy forms of signaling discontent, ill will, or censure——from
snapping at others to displaying angry looks and other signs of
belligerence——can also be intimidating and thus constitute abuse.
Isolation. Some partners seek to limit their
spouse's interaction either with them or with the outside world. Subtle
manifestations of this include——
•• Withholding: The partner fails to give needed
information to the spouse, refuses to participate in mutual problem solving,
holds back on displays of affection, or may be unwilling to spend time or
converse with the spouse.
•• Preventing closeness: Some partners seek to
distance their spouses by perpetuating feelings of ill will or estrangement. If
time spent together fosters the beginning of shared closeness, the partner may
say or do something hurtful to create distance again.
One family took the children for a cookout. The
day was delightful, and everyone had a good time. Finally it was time to go, and
they began the short drive home. "Let's stop for ice cream cones," suggested the
mother. Suddenly the father began shouting that he didn't have time to waste
like "some people he knew." The outing had cost him enough already, he fumed,
and he still had important things to do. Stunned, the family sat in fear and
silence all the way home. The wife felt her feelings of shared fun evaporate
into cold loneliness. She realized this had happened before.
Closeness is also prevented if one spouse refuses
to participate in the sharing of emotions of pain or joy, whether it's to offer
comfort at the loss of a pet or to celebrate receiving a raise.
•• Setting inappropriate rules: Isolating and
controlling a spouse can take the form of creating an often unspoken set of
rules for him or her. The rules may be subtle, like setting time limits on
telephone calls, disallowing certain people at the house, and limiting or
forbidding the spouse to have money or to go places alone. Not-so-subtle rules
may include things such as no phone calls, no visitors, or no Church callings.
The partner tries to justify the rules, saying they make good sense, but the
victimized spouse falls into an increasingly cold and lonely world.
Gauging the Seriousness of the Problem
If what you've read makes you feel uncomfortable,
you may wish to simply ask your spouse to read this article and ask if he or she
believes there is a problem in your marriage regarding these kinds of behaviors.
The degree of pain or unhappiness experienced by the spouse, as well as your own
feelings of unease, determines the severity of the problem. If the kind of
emotional interaction in the marriage is satisfactory to both partners, and if
love and joy are experienced by both, there is little cause for concern since
occasional pardonable mistakes do not qualify as serious emotional abuse.
However, if one person believes there is a problem, even if the partner
disagrees, there is a problem.
Those who abuse are often satisfied
with the way things are and are insensitive and not motivated to make needed
changes.
The following discussion points out the stages
that victims of abuse may go through as they try to cope with what is happening
to them. This information will help couples determine the extent of a problem.
As isolated incidents begin to form a pattern,
tension builds up from accumulated hurts that have not been fully resolved.
Feelings of fear, wariness, nervousness, or anxiety may be present. In time, the
hurting spouse may actually become accustomed to being treated badly and fail to
realize that inappropriate behavior is occurring. Such persons may assume they
are ""too sensitive" or in some way deserve what they get. Nevertheless, in an
effort to lessen the pain and establish a better relationship, they may increase
efforts to be kind, pay compliments, or perform more acts of service in order to
please their partners and "earn" a compliment or kindness in return. Such
gestures are often taken for granted or ignored by the abusive partners, leaving
the spouses to wonder if they will ever measure up or be "good enough" to be
loved, no matter how much effort is put forth.
Next, a spouse may attempt to get help or
understanding from the partner about the growing chasm between them, but is
either ignored or told that he or she is imagining things. Such denial creates
confusion in the abused spouse, and feelings of loneliness, frustration,
despair, or even self-doubt may emerge.
At this point some people seek help from friends
or priesthood leaders. However, because emotional abuse usually takes place in
private, where there are no witnesses, it is often difficult to find anyone
willing to believe that the problem is serious. In fact, the abusive partner can
be well liked and considered charming by other people. Says one woman, "People
from our ward often tell me how lucky I am to be married to such a nice guy. I
am confused by this. It is very painful for me to be with him."
This lack of a sympathetic witness to the pain
often leads to efforts to cope alone. This may result in a number of behaviors
attributed to other causes:
•• Fighting back. Some people fight back by
employing the same abusive tactics as their partners. There is much heated
argument and recrimination in such homes.
•• Suffering in silence. Other people respond by
stifling their feelings. To keep peace in the home, they see no alternative
except to go numb and brave it out. Often they have trouble either laughing or
crying, for feelings may have closed down.
•• Diverting feelings. Still others retreat into
depression or ill health. Discouragement from trying to make one's voice heard
and trying to receive justice, coupled with a determination to honor temple
marriage covenants, may contribute to the belief that the situation is hopeless,
that one must endure a dysfunctional marriage. The pain may turn into depression
or a variety of other problems, sometimes lasting for years, because the
underlying cause is not correctly diagnosed. In serious cases, thoughts of
suicide may even result.
Once a pattern of emotional abuse has developed,
there is a risk that in some cases such hurtful behavior will escalate into
physical abuse.
The transition often begins with seemingly playful
or accidental invasions of the spouse's personal space:
standing too close; stepping on toes;
not-so-gently shoving, hitting, or slapping for "fun"; and teasing that does not
stop when a spouse asks for it to stop. If this, too, is tolerated, further
serious physical abuse may follow. Men and women continually experiencing these
supposedly playful invasions of personal space need to take a firm stand with
their partner and seek help now. A spouse who does not tolerate such treatment
will often stop a partner from moving any further down the road toward physical
abuse. There is no guarantee that things will get better by waiting, praying for
the partner to change, or assuming the partner means it when he or she promises
it won't happen again …… and it happens again. Both partner and spouse may need
help.
Seeking Change as an Individual
If the abusive partner is not ready to discuss the
problem, there are things that the other spouse can do to start the process of
change.
1. Seek to know the truth. "If yea continue in my
word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the
truth shall make you free" John 8:31-32). Here the Savior, speaking to those who
love him and continue in faithfulness to him, promises them the great gift of
knowing the truth.
Some who have adapted to living in an abusive
situation lose the ability to recognize when they are being treated with
disrespect. Most, however, know something is wrong but don't know what to do
about it. Sooner or later both parties must come to know the truth and risk the
consequences of facing the abuse, putting their full trust in the Savior.
Explains one man: "I was so used to hearing
endless complaining and faultfinding that I lost any sense of perspective. After
learning about emotional abuse, I still did not see it happening to me until I
made prayer part of the solution. Initially, I was shaken by the truth. But in
time I understood that I had to admit to the truth of what was happening in our
home in order to free myself from the pain and finally begin working on the real
problem that has plagued our relationship."
2. Pray for courage. "For God hath not given us
the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Tim.
1:7). Often, whether or not the abused spouse realizes the full extent of the
fear and anxiety that have marked a life of abuse, it is very hard for him or
her to imagine ever confronting the partner with the plain facts. However, once
it becomes understood that emotional abuse is a problem in the marriage, the
abused spouse shares responsibility for helping to bring the truth to light.
This stage may be the hardest to accomplish. Fear
paralyzes people, but the gospel brings peace, and with the help of the Spirit,
fear may be conquered.
"As I prayed for help, I began putting labels on
hurtful behavior after it had happened. I finally realized I needed to recognize
when I was being abused as it occurred and find the courage to quietly stand up
for myself. This was a very difficult step for me. I asked Father in Heaven to
help me, and I was literally shaking with fear the first time I finally spoke
up, even though my husband has never hit me. But I did speak up, and my husband
just gaped at me in surprise."
3. Change your behavior. "He that hath no rule
over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls"" (Prov.
25:28). Those experiencing abuse often feel they are unsafe and without
boundaries, in the sense that people use them, ignore their needs, or treat them
disrespectfully. By changing their formerly unproductive ways of responding, and
by substituting new ways, they begin a process of change that can establish
firmer limits to what will and will not be tolerated. And when one person in a
marriage makes a personal change, change is introduced into the relationship.
Said one husband, ""It took all my self-control to
stop yelling back, walking away, or speaking sarcastically to my wife. I learned
I had to stay absolutely calm and in control of myself before I could bring the
truth to light."
4. Clearly label the offending behavior. "A soft
answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Prov. 15:1). When
a spouse undergoes emotional abuse, he or she should stand quietly and in a calm
and conversational voice clearly label the behavior. For example: "You are
shouting." Or, "When you criticize me, I feel hurt because I expected a
compliment." Or, "I do not feel like cooperating with you when you are
sarcastic. Please speak to me kindly."
The success of this approach depends on the degree
of courage and self-control present in the spouse. Kind but firm language
delivered in a completely mild conversational tone of voice is most effective.
President Gordon B. Hinckley said that a cornerstone of marriage is the " ‘‘soft
answer’’ …… , for quiet talk is the language of love, it is the language of
peace, it is the language of God" (Ensign, April 1984, 76). Anger and sarcasm
are tools of the adversary, and resorting to their use will never lead to
healing in the relationship. Paul, in speaking to the Romans, said, "Recompense
to no man evil for evil. …… Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with
good" (Rom. 12:17, 21; emphasis added).
5. Be still until the abuse stops. ""Stand,
therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, having on the breastplate of
righteousness, and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace""
(D&C 27:16; emphasis added). There is great power in standing your ground calmly
and allowing truth to win the day.
One woman tells of her husband storming up the
stairs, clearly angry over lost keys and shouting at her, blaming her for not
putting them where they belonged. For the first time in her life, she ignored
the issue causing the outburst and looked him squarely in the eyes and said
quietly, ""John, you're shouting at me."" He stopped, momentarily stunned, then
turned and went back down the stairs.
"I was surprised to see that it worked," she said.
"Ordinarily, I would have frantically searched for the keys in order to make him
stop yelling at me. But for once I stood there calmly, waiting for him to speak
to me kindly. Things have improved significantly——faster than I would ever have
thought. He's been yelling at me for years. I didn't think he would ever change.
I didn't know I had a part in bringing about that change."
These five steps may begin a process of change
that can significantly improve marriage relationships. When one or both spouses
pursue solutions with prayer, courage, commitment, and calmness, emotional abuse
decreases significantly. As the offended spouses begin to change their responses
to abusive behavior, the offending partners may finally rethink their refusals
to discuss the issue of emotional abuse. If kindness and love govern the
discovery stage, in time there is hope for a stronger and healthier marriage as
both partners begin working together to resolve difficult issues amicably.
Father in Heaven has promised his children
happiness when they obey correct principles. All of us must have the willingness
to seek out those principles and, with help from the Savior, use them to
strengthen our homes and marriages. Bringing into the open emotional abuse that
has been hidden or tolerated because of the influence of worldly values allows
couples to unmask the invisible heartbreaker in their marriage and to recover
the fruits of peace, joy, and love.
This article has been prepared in consultation
with LDS Social Services.
Gospel topics: abuse, marriage, respect
The letters and phone calls the Brethren receive
from faithful wives and children who are emotionally and physically abused in
their own homes continue to multiply. Their cries for help are heart-rending.
Their pleas and prayers are never-ending. It is tragic that too often husbands
and fathers, even those who hold the priesthood, conduct themselves in their own
homes in ways that would not be acceptable in any other social setting.
Countless heartaches and broken lives result from this unrighteous behavior.
Exercising unrighteous dominion can follow many
patterns. It may be relatively mild when expressed as criticism, anger, or
feelings of severe frustration. In more extreme cases, however, unrighteous
dominion may emerge as verbal, physical, or emotional abuse. Unfortunately, in
its less obvious forms, unrighteous dominion is often either ignored or not
recognized as such. This article is an attempt to help husbands and fathers and
their families come to acknowledge this grievous and growing problem in our
society. By acknowledging and setting right these less-obvious forms of
unsuitable behavior, perhaps we may help prevent the more extreme behaviors that
can grow out of them.
Of course, unrighteous dominion is not a challenge
just for men. Anyone——man or woman——who in any way guides or directs others may
be guilty of unrighteous dominion. Each woman and each man——whether married or
single, a parent or not——would do well to learn and practice the principles
discussed here. I hope that the following insights and suggestions might take
root in the believing and willing heart of each reader who needs help.
Example of unrighteous dominion is when a father
demands compliance with rules he has arbitrarily set. This is contrary to the
spirit of gospel leadership. Indeed, a man can add a rich dimension to his
leadership when he considers rules with his wife and children who together with
him can set them in place.
Autocratic leadership is manifested in other ways.
Family home evenings were discontinued in one family because members of the
family became discouraged by the contention and anger that infected each
meeting. The father, who may have been conscientious about his responsibility to
help his family improve, unwisely used most of the time to find fault with
family members and to draw their attention to things he felt they were doing
wrong. There was little recognition for achievement or accomplishments. Even
though he made some effort to praise the children, it was not enough to offset
his negative criticism.
In the order of heaven, the husband has the
authority to preside in the home. That issue is not subject to review. How he
presides, however, is subject to review, and to correction, if necessary.
Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as
head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe
what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation,
the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband
should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint
decision agreeable to both is developed.
A man needs to understand that his power to
influence his wife or children for good can only come through love, praise, and
patience. It can never be brought about by force or coercion.
Many women carry heavy
burdens raising children and attending to
household responsibilities. They often accomplish near miracles in balancing all
the demands made upon them. A husband who is critical of his wife and
communicates censure for what hasn't been done rather than thanks for what has
been done fosters discouragement. But if he will give a word of praise or offer
a little help, he will see his wife try ever harder to do her part. Criticism
has a negative influence on the feelings of love for and interest in one's
spouse. Women need love, affection, and emotional support from their husbands.
Authority and Power in the Priesthood
Some brethren do not understand that there is a
definite difference between priesthood authority and priesthood power. The two
terms are not necessarily the same. Authority in the priesthood comes by the
laying on of hands by one having the proper authority. However, according to
revelation from the Lord, power in the priesthood comes only through righteous
living. In the scriptures we are told:
"The rights of the priesthood are inseparably
connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be
controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.
"That they may be conferred upon us, it is true;
but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain
ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the
children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw
themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to
the priesthood or the authority of that man" (D&C 121:36-37, italics added).
This power from heaven is the power to bless, to
strengthen, to heal, to comfort, to bring peace to a household. To lift and
encourage is priesthood power. To those who learn how to develop this power will
come the promises described in Doctrine and Covenants 132:20-21:
"Then shall they be gods, because they have no
end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they
continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto
them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are
subject unto them.
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide
my law ye cannot attain to this glory."
Inherent in the "law" spoken of in these verses is
the principle of righteous dominion. Consider the Lord's description of a man of
power as contained in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-42. This description is
directed specifically at the priesthood, but anyone in authority, particularly
husbands and fathers, would do well to adopt these principles.
The Man of Power is one who presides——
By persuasion. He uses no demeaning words or
behavior, does not manipulate others, appeals to the best in everyone, and
respects the dignity and agency of all humankind——men, women, boys, and girls.
By long-suffering. He waits when necessary and
listens to the humblest or youngest person. He is tolerant of the ideas of
others and avoids quick judgments and anger.
By gentleness. He uses a smile more often than a
frown. He is not gruff or loud or frightening; he does not discipline in anger.
By meekness. He is not puffed up, does not
dominate conversations, and is willing to conform his will to the will of God.
By love unfeigned. He does not pretend. He is
sincere, giving honest love without reservation even when others are unlovable.
By kindness. He practices courtesy and
thoughtfulness in little things as well as in the more obvious things.
By pure knowledge. He avoids half-truths and seeks
to be empathetic.
Without hypocrisy. He practices the principles he
teaches. He knows he is not always right and is willing to admit his mistakes
and say "I'm sorry."
Without guile. He is not sly or crafty in his
dealings with others, but is honest and authentic when describing his feelings.
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